Who knows...
Side Note: I’m glad i have this blog to kinda let myself loose. If it wasn’t for the moments i get exposing my inmost self on digital pen and paper, i would feel more bottled up than a toy sailboat.
Back to business:
I downloaded the new Boyz II Men and Jay Sean CD’s (yes, i download, but it’s only cuz i’m poor. It’s the only way i enjoy the music i love). This perpetuated my R&B crave, expanding my r&b music collection and adding more emotion to what i listen to. Music totally reflects a person deep down inside. Personally, a lot of the music i listen to is a reflection of how i feel that particular moment, for instance, i listen to Best I Ever Had by Drake if i’m thinking of a particular person, or i listen to SG Wanna Be (korean ballad group) if i feel down in the dumps or am stressed, or i listen to Telephone by Lady Gaga and Beyonce or Tell Me Your Wish by Girl’s Generation (So Nyeo Shi Dae) if i’m in a who-cares kinda mood. My point is, music is very important to my life, and in fact, i’d could live without sight as long as i could hear (hahah, i know, dramatic).
So if i reflect on my music selection as of late, it seems like i’m lovestruck, thinking of someone but just don’t know how quite to say it. Well, it’s true, actually. Since i was a kid, i was never very articulate. I never really had my thoughts quite organized, nowadays i stutter, and i never know when to use certain idioms that i’ve heard. Simply put, i’m one awkwardly created social being. Sometimes i wonder if i’ll ever date (my down-in-the-dumps days) and other times i feel like i can take on the world (gangsta rap days). Anyways, i know i can’t really put the words together in my head and can’t really organize my thoughts and feelings. And it doesn’t help that my “QT life” is not as good. I haven’t really been praying about my situation as of late and it’s getting to me. I feel very stressed out. There’s little, if any, rest in my life….
There’s a PFC camp counselor reunion later today, and i’m really excited. It just stinks that i’m so far away, and sometimes i wonder what i’m still doing in Central NJ and why i haven’t moved to a Philly suburb yet… But when i’m with camp people, i feel at ease, like there’s no burden, whatsoever. I guess, it’s the joy that comes from simply serving, and being focused entirely on the Gospel. As nurturing as camp has been for me these past (gasp) 5 years, there is still a lot of growing up i need to do, personally, and i know and see that. I’m still restless. I still escape my problems, never confronting them immediately. I still complain, judge, blame others, and so many other things that i struggle with. I’m no where near who God had in mind and intended when creating me, yet, i will look to the cross and find a hope in a new day. May the cross be my way, may Christ be my model, and may God be my hope, faith, love, forever.
Praise God.
Thought i would post this. It’s the lines i got for my haircut today! check it out!
Dear Jonny...
So i spent a good part of this morning reading two CCEF articles. As i was reading Addictions by Edward WElch, i thought to myself, “People don’t come to me with their problems like they used to back in high school…”
Now, it seems kinda effeminate, but the truth is in high school, i used to be the guy people came to with their problems and i would offer them some sort of cheesy advice. After thinking about this, i realized that i have changed a lot. I’ve gone from a quiet, keep to myself, inwardly passionate guy to a more extroverted, loud, and very transparent person. I credit all this change to Christ because if it wasn’t for a realization of who i truly was and a trust that we are ALL sinners that have fallen short, i wouldn’t be as confident, loud, or transparent as i am now. However, this gets me thinking: am i now just a “roaring lion” or “charging bear” like the author in Proverbs describes in chapter 28?
It’s strange, because although i have become louder, more confident, and more transparent, it seems as if i’m even quieter, even less confident, and all the more secretive now. Before you get confused, let me explain. With and in many aspects of my life am i overtly confident and transparent. My financial issues back at home, my relationships with people, my struggles with pride, greed, complacency and such, i confidently tell, knowing that it’s not what i’ve gone through and what i’ve said that inspires but how God has forgiven and saved me through Christ that is exemplifiedand, hopefully, portrayed. However, there are parts of my life that are kept in secret now more than ever.
The illustration i’m gonna use is a turtle on their back. When a turtle is on their back, 9 times out of 10 they have no way to getting back on their stomachs. Because their stomachs are the softest part of their body (asides from the neck and backside), they are completely exposed, insecure, and scared (or, at least, that’s probably how they’re feeling…). This is the image i see when i look at an individual in a christian community (i could be wrong about this image, but at least, in order for accountability to occur, you can’t keep things from the other in an accountable relationship). However, i’m more of a sideways turtle, or a snapping turtle on their backs. Snapping turtles are interesting because of their beak. It enables them to protect themselves even when they’re on their backs. And a bite from a snapping turtle hurts A LOT (saw my friend Jake Miller’s dad’s hand after he got bit by a snapping turtle… looked like the aftermath of a Saw movie). I still try and guard myself, seemingly exposing myself, yet in the end, protecting the very core and essence of who i am. I’m holding onto an identity that i’ve created over the past 2-3 years and i’m not letting go, is what i’m saying. Yet, in the end, it’s only made me snappier (haha, funny). It’s put me more on edge. When something bothers me, it really bothers me. When something stresses me out, i become really stressed out. When i’m dissatisfied, i’m disengaged. When i long, i desire and crave from the absolute depths of my heart….
I love the feeling of nostalgia. I think about high school, middle school, even a year or two ago in Apt 8H, and the times that i used to have. When i drive through my old ‘hood, i love telling stories (unfortunately, i suck at telling stories) about what happened at this place and that, and what used to be there and yadda yadda. So it’s not atypical for me to be thinking about my advice-giving, high school years, but this struck me. Why? Because i noticed how much i changed, and for the worse. My manners with other people have become borderline barbarian, my attitude in every sphere of my life has become more crass, more arrogant (“i’m better than HIM at basketball”, “he’s not as nice of a person as i am”), and, like i said before, i’m more on edge these days. I’m more easily agitated, more easily aggravated. I’m more secretive, more introverted, more desiring, more self-seeking, more mindful of myself than ever.
I have to remind myself of who i really am. I’m not any of the things that this world defines me as (nice, good older brother, good friend, awesome basketbal player) but at the end of the day, i’m a child of God, adopted at the price of one Savior’s blood, brought into the Kingdom glorious as the Prince died in humiliated. If i remind myself of these things, i know, and believe, that i’ll change greatly. That not only will my confidence, willingness to share, love for others, and genuine care will increase, but that i’ll continue to inspect different aspects of my life where the gospel may not have reached, and thus, continue to change in the way my God wants me to.
Stretched Beyond Recognition
Weird, two entries in one day.
I feel myself being pulled and stretched to my absolute limits. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, the pull is IMMENSE. i can slowly feel my body, my mind, my heart, ready to give out and crumble under the pressure of succeeding and handling all the business that needs to be handled. I need a vacation, a break from school, a complete and absolute solace and escape from it all….
This begs the question: where does my help come from? Am i actively trying to find a way on my own to find or create a time of rest? Who, or what, is my true “rest”? Comfort?
i’ll leave you with this:
I Need You - Kristian Stanfill
I am frail, broken easily
Without fail, my strength keeps failing me
All alone, I’m powerless
To lift myself from the pit that I am in
I need You, Jesus
I need You, Jesus
From Your throne in heaven’s light
Descended down into my broken life
To right the wrong, to make a way
To bear the load that I deserved to bear alone
I need You, Jesus
I need You, Jesus
I need clean hands
I can’t, You can
I need You, Jesus
On the cross on our behalf
The Son of God bore the Father’s wrath
And by His blood, the scars and pain
The perfect Son, took the fall and took our place
In His grace and unfailing love
The risen King gave His hand to us
To lift us up, from the pit
And set our feet upon a rock that ever stands
On my own I’ve tried and tried
To save myself, to fill my life
But the more I do the more I find
That I need You, I need You, I need You
Time is ticking away....
Do you know that feeling when a song says exactly how you feel at that exact moment and you get real excited but sad too because it’s usually a sad song? Yeah, me neither…. JK.
That line from the Epik High song keeps resonating in my head for some reason. It’s the first couple of lines in the song “One”, and if you haven’t heard the song before, look it up on YouTube. I like it…
Anyhoo, lately I’ve been in a rut. There seems to be a couple reasons why: 1) I have an exam coming up, and i don’t know anything about it, 2) I’m sick and coming down with the flu (thanks mom) and 3) I’m in like with a girl. Now, before you say “It’s gotta be three, pick numba three!” I’ve got to tell you this: I know. This has happened before, actually. I remember a time when my like for a girl was so unbearable i had to go home, and did, for a night. Idk why God gives me such a great want and need for that close of an intimate relationship when I’ve been blessed with so many in my life, but it really burns inside of me. Strange, but true. I mean, by all means, I could be coming down with the flu. Everyone freaking has it or had it, so i mean, it could be my turn, finally. And this calculus exam is pretty hard, and i haven’t really been keeping up with homework, so that maybe why i’m so down. But in the end, it’s gotta be the girl.
The question anyone will get when they first like a girl is why do you like her? My answer is simple: the time i spend with her is the time i enjoy the most. Enough said. I would go into details and such, but that would take quite a bit of time, and a lot of memory recall. I mean, I talk a lot about how the girls at the library were pretty, or how that cheerleader I saw on TV was cute, or how Kim TaeHee and Kim TaeYeon rock my world, but at the end of the day, i live in real life and in real life, this girl is on my mind…
The question anyone has in this type of situation is how do you go about doing this? “This” refers to starting a relationship in the “right way”. What does “right way” mean? In our world today, it’s getting to know the person before having sex with them. In Christian circles (at least, in ones near me) it’s praying through the decision, seeking counsel, and then praying through it with the other person you’re about to go into a relationship with. Both these methods lead to a very intimate level of relation. Both these ways could lead to the opposite of a relationship. But at the end of the day, it’s the gospel that enables relationships to last. Thinking about it, even in our world today, the relationships that last are the ones that see past all the flaws of the other person, seeing them as beautiful each and every day. “Sweatpants, hair tied, chillin wit no make up on/ that’s when you’re the prettiest, i hope that you don’t take it wrong” -Drake Best I Ever Had. But in Christ and the gospel, a relationship definitely sees past more than just the physical. It’s really accepting the deepest flaws, the inadequecies of the other, the so-ugly-that-it-hasn’t-seen-the-light-of-day, of the other person and saying I’m just as flawed, probably even more so.
I really didn’t know where i was going with that one. To be honest, I’m scared. My relationships have been so superficial in the past. Every single one of them, from friendships to son-ships, to, even, girlfriends. Superficial defined a lot of who i was in the past, because the culture i knew and grew up in was superficial. I’ve worked to change that. I expose myself. I don’t give myself anything to hold onto. Nothing to make myself feel a sense of worth, not even basketball. And yet, the one thing I’m still scared to do, is to get into a relationship. See, it was no problem when I was in high school because it was so superficial and I was the king of Superficialtopia. There was no depth necessary. Just myself and all that i had to offer in material goods (money, trips to the beach, Cheesecake Factory, a car). I guess that’s my biggest fear: am i getting into this relationship because of the superficial reasons or because there’s something deeper and greater?
So as i ponder this fact, time tick-tocks away like a pendulum swing on a grandfather clock. My trust is under attack. My faith is constantly putting me in check. My confidence is continually tested. My time is ticking, t-time is ticking away….
Distractions, Terror! And Mayhem?
Lately, i’ve just felt very distracted. Even as i write this blog, i took 10 minutes to fix videos on my iTunes (they were categorized as “Movie” but they were really “Music Video”). When i study, i see myself going on my phone, playing games on my iTouch, even just going on my computer to ESPN and reading articles (i know, i read). What does this mean? How come i’m so distracted and easily entertained by the world around me?
The danger here is that when it comes to devotional, prayer, worship and service life, i feel that “i’m good”. I’m not in a rut, not in an awesome place, but content with where i am. When that happens, however, there’s a lot of danger. Contentment is a major problem in the church today, and it’s clear that one form or another, everyone seems to become content with where they are. The funny thing is, i’m the ultimate hypocrite in that in small group i talk about “rocking your world” and “shaking things up” when you’re content, and i’m sitting here happy with where i am. Wow, i’m just really all over the place, and i really can’t focus my thoughts, even on this one blog, which was supposed to refocus me. Hmmm…. Let’s diagnosis this.
I missed my quiet time today. It seems very legalistic, but i can’t miss quiet time. Quiet time helps me to refocus my attention on what’s important, what’s core and essential in my life. Right now, i’m going absolutely insane. I’m thinking about not passing my calc exam. Worried about my comp apps exam on wed. Worried about response papers, homeworks, practice exams, small group, large group, so many things. And it seems like nothing gets done. This is resulting in a lot of laziness on my part. I don’t read anymore for intro to ed. I don’t do any problems going into calc recitation noon on tuesdays. i skipped a months worth of comp apps because i hated lecture (it’s only 55 min long). And too be honest, i don’t feel a whole lot of guilt (especially the comp apps lecture) until well after the fact, when i look back and reflect on my attitude during that time i skipped or didn’t do hw. Idk what’s bothering, to be honest. It could be problems that i’m having with friends. It could be because i’m thinking about my own lonliness. It could even be because i’m watching all my friends get hitched and i’m the only one who isn’t (which is a complete exaggeration, by the way. like, two people i know are dating). Whatever it is, relying on my own strength to get through all this has be futile.
you know that saying about how God only gives you as much as you can handle at that present time? well, if everything that was happening to me happened last year, even last spring, i would have critically and fatally failed. A complete systems failure, for sure. I’m thankful for the growth. Thankful for a more rational system of thinking. Thankful for a less emotionally-driven personality, but a more rational, even-keel personality (aka, not so much Hype, but more Jon). I’m thankful to the end that i have a God that cares so much, He overwhelms me with my own problems and worries that the ONLY choice i have is to come back to Him. Thankful for a God that is in constant pursuit of my heart. Thankful for a God who so loved this world that He gave His ONLY son. Thankful that the sacrifice on that cross, the suffering death that Christ bore was so that my burdens would be lighter and that my salvation would be assured. Thankful for a God who, ultimately, provided for EVERYTHING i need, want, am.
“In God We Trust”
It’s all over our money, but it’s a statement that many of us will struggle with till the day we die. The question is, do I?
Whatif-itis
i will make this one short.
I’m feeling like a lot of the time, I’m dwelling on the what-ifs. Example: What if i went out with this girl rather than this girl? It’s impossible for me, someone who has such an active imagination, to not dwell on these things. First thing I do (and I do this kind of a lot) when i meet someone is to see where i would be 5 years from now with them. Terrible habit. Or sometimes, I think about what would happen if I failed out of school, didn’t get into to graduate education school, or if I no longer did PFC camp. All these what-ifs are the same: they all give me an uneasy, unsettling feeling in my chest that maybe I wasn’t cut out for any of these things. If I think about it, I’m not really cut out to live this life, seeing that i fail so often. It’s amazing how often us, as the created, fail our Creator. It’s simply amazing.
One thing stood out. Dave Park’s message noted that the Israelites (us) wandered the wilderness and failed every step of the way. Christ walked through the wilderness and succeeded in fighting off temptation of Sin. He fulfilled that walk, so that we did not have to. It’s amazing how the Bible so wonderfully bridges and intertwines like that. It’s very refreshing, especially to get an explicit view on the Gospel once again through a story like this. I’ve lost touch with the Gospel, and often times I catch myself bathing in my pride of completing a rigorous, Gospel-centered, counselor training program. I should always preach the Gospel to myself (i forget who said that, i think it was Martin Luther) and should constant reminds myself that i deserved nothing but death, but Christ died so that i may have eternal life. He lived the life i should have lived and died the death i should have died, imputing all He had on me so that i may be, in God’s eye, righteous. So admist all my what-ifs, I will always know the answer to this one: What if God loved me?
Love Forgot Me
I just spent the past two hours with my good friend Joe Park watching SNSD’s Taeyeon in We Got Married and her in variety of other shows. As the show We Got Married continued, it became more and more apparent that Taeyeon was the perfect girl for me. Listen to me, I’m not just saying this because she’s pretty and part of a group that emphasizes cuteness and the whole “aegyo” factor (although, that’s what got me hooked in the first place), it’s just how she interacts with, and thinks and just her personality in general: not too soft, but not tomboy-ish. Empathetic, but demanding. Caring and loving. Introverted. I could keep going, if i really wanted to. But, one thing came across my mind: Does she love Jesus? I looked it up (yeah, I know. I looked it up). Turns out, nothing about her being a Christian, or going to church. I was a little disappointed. I mean, it wasn’t like i had a legitimate shot at going out with her or anything, it just, pushed my belief that my perfect girl is not a christian. A sad, yet very real, reality (redundant). Then, I have to catch myself and ask me: Me, are you looking more at the worldly qualities and quantities or are you looking at the unquantifiable, perfected qualities of Jesus Christ in His death and resurrection (haha, that was so elaborate, so unnecessary, but really, the question i asked me).
It’s round this time, and during the spring, that I feel most lonely and it’s during these times that i become more obsessed with reality shows like “We Got Married” and other korean programming that really immortalizes my wants and desires, putting them higher on a pedestal for me. My wants and desires = a girlfriend. I’m gonna be real, I want a girlfriend. SO bad. It’s almost become a need, I’m pretty much dependent. Which is funny, because I’ve only had two (okay, 1 and 1/4. the second lasted like a week, so it doesn’t really count. haha, i just said a meaningful relationship doesn’t count). But seriously, like our planet is energy dependent, so am I, yuhja dependent.
It’s a huge character flaw. The one flaw that, I could honestly say, is the reason why I do, say, am so many things. I do stuff like help out, go out of my way to hang out. I say mean things to girls (weird why guys flirt like that), stuff i don’t mean (i.e. I can do that, no problem). I am generous, show-offy. It’s really, the stem from the root of approval, acceptance, love, things rooted within Sin. Sin drives me to believe that if I have a girlfriend, then everything will be good. With that one thing, I’ll have everything I want/need. Just, give me a girlfriend, God…
How many times have you caught yourself saying that? Me, a million. Some people a billion. Others, a couple thou. Either way, when you say that, you’re acting upon that craving and urge with something so fleeting. One second, i could have a girlfriend. The next, she moves to Florida. Or breaks up with me. Or makes me jealous by hanging with the guy friends she always hangs out with and swears are just her “friends” (those bastards…). So much insecurity. So much uncertainty. So why do I put all that I am in attaining this one goal? Because i believe what i say: if i have a girlfriend, THEN i’ll be happy. Finally, i’ll be good, because now i have the one thing my heart desires…
Remember the korean show i was talking about? It’s like relationships are so easy to form. Like the time that you put into getting to know someone and deciding to go out, let alone, pretend like you’re married, is that short. You can just pair up two people, and it’ll work out. Sigh, i wish it was that easy. Girls got it easy. Guys have to go through all the trials and tribulations of asking you girls on dates, to be their girlfriends, to be their wives. My heart starts pounding when i think about that. Here’s a secret: i’m a coward. The yellowest, most biggest coward in the world. Can’t ride on rollercoasters. Can’t touch alive bugs. Can’t even watch the part in the movie where someone does something wrong to hurt another person (yeah, you know. that part). I’m a coward. If i can’t do those things with confidence, how the heck am i supposed to ask a girl to be my girlfriend? How?
Paul talks about confidence in the flesh. That he has all this to brag on about how he’s morally right in everyway. He has every right to be proud, because what he accomplished is pretty difficult for one person to accomplish. And yet, he can look at all that and count it all as rubbish, as dung. Dung!? And here i am, struggling to get on a roller coaster because it’ll scare the ishh out of me… Sigh. I guess the one thing that gets to me most during “dating season” is the fact that all those guys somehow found confidence to approach the girl. Now, whether it was an overwhelming confidence in themselves, or no confidence, “humbly take me” type ordeal, nevertheless, it’s mesmerizing. How do they do that? Do they just go up to them and say “We should go out”? How do they do that? Where does this confidence come from? Where does MY confidence come from?
I’ve achieved the Cooperation award, 5th place at a track relay invitational, Coaches award, and been promoted to Tae Kwon Do Black Belt 1st degree. Not a whole lot to boast on (especially the cooperation award. The heck is that all about? How’d I win that one?). So there’s no real confidence in that. I’m okay at basketball, okay at football, kinda at volleyball, okay at soccer, and sucks at baseball. Can’t really play acoustic, kind of good at bass, no electric whatsoever, kinda at singing. So none there either. Where can i find some confidence? Where?
My title is interesting, because it’s how I feel, but it’s not the truth. The truth of the matter is, i’m more loved than i could ever dream. I’m always remembered, constantly being reminded of this, and yet, i continue to look away from God and all that he provides. I think that He’s forgotten, that every girl i like hates me and He does that on purpose (which is true, because everything that happens has a reason for it). I see my immaturity over and over, which depresses me, even though i ask God to mature me through all that i go through. Sigh…
My prayer has, and will be, to find confidence in Him rather than me. It’s and easy concept but hard to put into practice. I have to keep looking at my successes as rubbish, and my failures as alright because i’m loved, but all these covered in the blood of Christ, because no matter what I do, i can’t save myself and bring me to heaven. That’s what Christ did, and only He can do. He’s the only one who lived a perfectly, sinless life. The only one who, till death, was obedient and willing to die on a cross. He suffered so that i could look on Him and pray to God for the strength to carry on. May God be my help. May God be my ALL. May my confidence lie within a confidence so great, that death could not cause Him to waver. May that be my joy, my life, my love, my hope, my security, my approval, my acceptance… the list goes on.
May i just grow in Him, that He may bless with someone to grow with me, to lead, and to love like He loved me. In Christ’s name I rely on, give my life up, and pray, Amen.
The Weight of the World...
Nowadays, I feel like there’s a lot of weight being put on me: the weight of success, the weight of achievement, the weight of expectation, the weight of doing all that you need to do. It’s tiring me out, to be honest. I dread meeting people, seeing old faces, seeing new ones. I dread going to the library, because I know i have so much to do. I look at my to-do list, and it probably doesn’t have everything that I need to get done on it, to be quite honest. I don’t know what it is….
I’ve been thinking a lot about my personal self, the choices I’ve made and the choices I need to make. With the choices I’ve made comes many consequences: a choice to go out instead of study, a choice to go back to Colony instead of the library, the choice to get a burger instead of eating at home, the choice to spend money rather than save. All these choices don’t necessarily have immediate consequences, but later, the consequences do come and bite me in the butt. I have work that I need to catch up on, work that still hasn’t been started, and to be perfectly honest, I wanna quit. I just wanna stop doing KCF staff, or stop being responsible for this video for GN Girls Flag Football, or stop being a coach for KCCC guys flag football, or even, stop being a student and work part time, making money at a mediocre rate, living paycheck by paycheck. Sometimes I just want to stop….
I’ve been thinking about a girl. And the thing that is killing me the most is now that i’m thinking about this girl, I’m starting to look at other girls and doing a lot more flirting now. In fact, if i could measure and graph my rate of flirting, and you took the derivative of that graph in the beginning of it and around now, you’ll see that those derivatives are exponentially different (math major, always thinking in math terms. sorry). The point is, I’m flirting a lot more, and I know why. That feeling of emptiness, of loneliness, of love-absentness is coming back. It’s something i struggled with ever since middle school, shortly after my first crush developed. It’s something i struggled with when i had a girlfriend the summer before senior year. It’s something i struggled with after we broke up, and i rebounded with another girl. It’s a perpetual struggle for me. And I seek so many different avenues to quench this thirst of emptiness: ballads, flirting, even pornography. Not many guys will admit it, but I will, because it’s a realistic struggle. It’s all part of a greater struggle, when we were ultimately separated from God’s presence when He cast out Adam and Eve because of Sin.
Sin. Sin is what drives me to loneliness. Sin tells me to seek out other things to make me happy, to fill me, to make me feel loved. Sin is what gets me to turn on my iPod to Nothing Better by Brown Eyed Soul (currently listening to that, by the way), to flirt carelessly with girls, to open my computer… Sin is at the root because Sin tells me that I can find all that in this world. And I believe it many times. So many times, I’m trapped within my own Sin and I end up questioning myself, “Why am I doing this? What satisfaction is this bringing me?” It’s tough. I always say that, especially when I talk about my family’s financial situation with other people. I mean, it’s not easy, that’s for sure. And it’s definitely not something that I can shrug off; we’re in so much debt that we HAD to declare bankruptcy. Barely even a choice, or at least, that’s how 아빠 portrayed it. So, if I’m struggling with physical, monetary issues, than what makes me think I won’t go through spiritual ones as well?
Sometimes I feel like i drive myself into these crazy times. That it’s self inflicted. That it’s because of my “overly analytical, sometimes overly-exaggerate, but mostly overly-reactive, emotionally driven mind” that brings me to this state (and yes, it’s a state of being. A state of being rooted deeply within my heart that periodically comes out and rears it’s ugly head when I’m struggling the most). I’m not trying to be artistic with my words here. I’m not trying to “paint a picture” with my words. It’s how i feel, exactly. But the one thing I’ve learned within the past two years, more so the past summer and couple months, is that this crazy state IS rooted in Sin and that it’s not just me. Something greater is working within me. Something that I can’t comprehend. Because, seriously, who is twisted enough to self-inflict themselves with thoughts like mine if suicide isn’t at the top of their to-do list?
The reason why I can say this and the reason why i believe this is because God has done that plenty of times in the past (i say “plenty” because He’s probably revealed myself to me a lot, i just wasn’t consciously aware, or wasn’t meditating on it when He did. And He does it a lot, i can guarantee that).
I’m reminded of the this passage from Luke 22:
41 And he withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and v knelt down and prayed, 42 saying, w “Father, if you are willing, remove x this cup from me.
42a is Jesus Christ, Himself, praying to God, asking to relieve Him of this great suffering He will endure for our sakes. And yet, even with this breakdown, Jesus never wavers. Immediately after this statement, Christ says “Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” I’ve yet to come to appreciate fully this gift from God, and i probably will not appreciate it fully until i join the multitudes in heaven singing praises for eternity to God, but wow. Jesus went through all that? For me? For all of us? It doesn’t process, and it sure as heck doesn’t make sense, but it eases my pain in my suffering. Jesus bore the grunt end of the suffering, and now, with His power lying within me (The same power/that conquered the grave/lives in me/lives in me). Imagine the weight of HIS suffering and HIS anxieties. Mine are nothing compared to those… Those are my thoughts as i reflect on the story of the Gospel, and as i apply it to my life, and continue to grow in scriptual knowledge, love, grace, and wisdom, i hope to find rest, to rest in Him who bore the weight of the world’s sin on His shoulders in the form of the cross, and who willingly, and obediently died for us.
I’m still everything i said i was in this extremely long blog. And many times i feel as if i won’t change. But i do believe that the Gospel has the power to change us all. And for a sinner like me, the further it goes within my life, my mind, my heart, the more freedom I’ll taste. The deeper it penetrates my core, the more i realize how I’m flawed and how I’m loved by God anyways.
I’m so broken, beyond repair. But in Christ, I’m far beyond what i ever could imagine to be…
Who's reigning?
It’s a question that seems very Dark Ages-esque. What do you mean, who’s reigning? We don’t have kings and queens anymore, Jon… I know, but this question is being asked because it’s asking a deeper question. In your heart, who reigns? Is it the person of Christ? Or is it the person of the devil? Essentially, what I’m asking is what are the SINS that reign within your heart?
Now, it’s not as easy as you think. Nor is it as complicated as you may think, either. In fact, it’s a matter of looking into your own heart in meditation and really asking yourself what are those things that you are controlled by. Is it ACCEPTANCE from your friends? Is is APPROVAL from your parents? Is it COMFORT and SECURITY from an abundance in money (GREED)? What is it? These are all things that are post-worthy in my book, and I will constantly look at myself and be blogging about those things, and also other things like sports, school, current events, and even post pictures and videos from time to time. It’s time to move on, Xanga.
Now, the question is, ARE YOU READY TO LET THE DOGS OUT?
